"Camden! Hey, Cam, wait!" Camden stopped but didn't turn to look at her.
"Are you okay? Do you have somewhere you need to be? If so, I don't want to keep you. You just left class so quickly and without a word, that I'm a little concerned."
"Everything is fine." Camden didn't meet Autumn's gaze.
Autumn moved to stand directly in front of Camden and rested her hands on Camden's shoulders--she looked down at her. Camden looked at the grass and fidgeted anxiously and uncomfortably under Autumn's gentle grip.
"You're out of breath."
"I just ran out of class."
"You and I both know that alone couldn't make you lose your breath."
"If I were sick..."
"But you're not. Camden, I don't know what has happened recently, but it wouldn't hurt you to share. Something's off with you. You've been all out of sorts for days: You get flustered and distracted. You're absent-minded and disorganised. This isn't like you." Camden continued to look at her feet. But Autumn could feel her slow down, see her tense muscles and defensive posture relax, and hear her breath become less desperate.
"Will you look at me?" Camden inhaled deeply, lifted her head, and looked resolutely in Autumn's eyes.
Autumn paused and let her hands fall from Camden's shoulders.
Her skin looked tired, it's milky lustre tuned to bone. Her lips looked dry and thirsting. Her curls hung lifelessly around her face. The shadows around her eyes gave her an expression of exhausted pleading, a pain turned hollow.
"Autumn...," she started to speak, but before she could finish what she intended to say her voice passed away .
Autumn knew anyway.
She stood with restraint and watched Camden walk away.
4 comments:
Paige, you are kind of my hero. It was a nice foray into dialogue, which I know isn't your favorite. I could tell you weren't too comfortable with it, but your discomfort is still miles above most writing. The way you wove together dialogue and description (which is really your forte, it makes me cry because it is so beautiful) was fantastic. So, no,I don't think your dialogue was too blunt and choppy. Just keep using it so it reaches the same level as your other writing. And am I right to assume that Camden is the library girl from your previous FI post?
You are correct in assuming Camden is the library girl.
I have so much I want to say about Autumn, but it's against my whole philosophy of writing, so I won't.
I will say that I wrote this multiple times. I love to read dialogue, but I hate to write it. Thank you for your input!
I was surprised to see the dialogue, but I like where this is going. I agree with Cat, description is your strong suit but I love to see you trying new things, it's interesting. Keeping us on our toes. More Floating Intellect!
You still need to read Blindness by Jose Saramago. I think you'd appreciate it, a whole book with essentially, no direct dialogue, only described dialogue, if that makes any sense.
Funny you should mention Blindness, as I'm reading it right now. My brain is still getting used to it. Sometimes I read straight through a sentence before I realize someone is talking.
I am determined to get a better handle on dialogue.
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