Don't take this the wrong way, it in no way diminishes the quality of their music; but I ask, no I beg, you: Where have all the entertainers gone? Where are the men and women so staggeringly cool that we'd bid for their snot on eBay Scarlett Johannsonn style? Where are the performers who can get the adrenaline and hormones of their fans to pump to the beat of their bass-line? Where are the entertainers so suave they need groupies for their super-fabulous groupies? In short, where are the musical artists who aren't just talented musicians/lyricists/collaborators, but icons, idols capable of inducing an iconoclasm so cataclysmic they put a love-'em-or-hate-'em, Roman-Catholic vs. Greek-Orthodox like rift in the music world that no producer with more power than the Pope could fix? The ones who put a pretty face on the music without being a Disney-marketed robot?
I want someone whose beads of sweat from the stage will make me shiver rather than shrink, someone for whom I climb over a railing on pain of security-guard brutality just to touch, someone for whom I'd fight through barbaric crowds just so they could sign the forehead of my first-born. I want an entertainer worthy of exhausting my voice with slick lyrics at a concert, who'll keep my on my feet until they bleed and I lose all feeling in my toes, a performer worthy of the superficial blue light of my cell-phone at the end of a swaying arm--the modern day cigarette-lighter encore. I don't want someone with a Zac Efron eyebrow-grazing hair-flip who can pound a few notes on his Casio in his garage for a few cheap pennies while teeny-boppers tap their toes.
No.
I want a front-man who can turn sleek tricks into a microphone while his seductively subtle buddies back him up on bass, drums, and a guitar; someone so sleek you can't resist turning him into a pin-up.
While all this may come across as a little shallow, I assure you, all his appeal isn't in his looks--oh no--it's his talent, his stage-presence, his off-stage charisma, that make him so approachable, so almost-attainable, so desireable. Any likely candidates, you ask? I have a few.
Adam Levine of Maroon 5
*Sharp intake of breath* Please excuse me while I think lusty thoughts...
No one does five o'clock shadow the way Adam does. There's something about the stubble and low brow that always makes him look freshly ravaged or about to be, which means anyone with hormones can't help getting caught in his gravity. He has the sort of persona that at once pulls you in and repels you, making you want him that much more; and of the men on this list, his eyes are by and far the most seductively suggestive. He's the kind of mysterious that's impossibe to touch: you know there's something dark and--let's face it--probably dirty, going on underneath that perfectly gelled head. While he is admitedly not a superior musician, he uses that to his advantage. He doesn't just use the guitar as an instrument, he uses it as a prop Furthermore, he knows the secret every white guy who can't dance should know: bounce. If you can't dance, bend one knee, put a little movement in the opposite hip, give a slight swagger to the shoulders and BOUNCE. You will be irresistible. In summation, he is like the samba of performers: full of enraged passion. Anyone who owns the power stance like that is a top performer.
Unfortunately for Adam, he has Megan-Mullaly syndrome. When performing, you'll never meet anyone more entertaining. In real life, he's not much of an icon. I wouldn't stalk him. True, he has the type of charismatic and quick wit that makes you giggle. Too bad that translates to adorable rather than attractive. My little brother is adorable. Puppies are adorable. Men after whom you secretly (or openly) lust are not adorable. Men you want to date are not adorable. I know famous people actually are real people--even if their reality is a little skewed. Regardless, I want a true idol on-stage and off. Poor Adam is just too cute.
The verdict. 3.5/5 for great on-stage presence, but a poor off-stage performance (the same as "I Am Sascha Fierce!" Beyoncé-ouch).
This next one might surprise you (no, not you, Cat). Rivers Cuomo. That's right, I said it. The dweeb from next-door, the one who grew up and went to Harvard and then started a band? The one you thought would be living in his mother's basement forever? Yep. Even though "Make Believe" was the dud, that's when Rivers stopped being the dorky guy from next-door who played in his garage when he wasn't designing video games and became the quirky guy you met at the poetry-jam: intelligent, still shy, but comfortable enough to be confident. Sure "Say It Ain't So" immortalized them on Rock Band, but something about Beverly Hills made him so much more attractive.
He's a shy performer, no doubt, but the kind that keeps you clinging to his every breath and head-bob, which he does better than anyone else (it's that inner rocker simmering somewhere up top). Unlike Levine, Cuomo is actually competent with a guitar and the juxtaposition of emaciated white guy with the instrument that wields so much pop-culture power and has so much appeal gives Cuomo that extra bit of edge. Combine that with his West Coast, Chuck Taylor and indie mismatched style and you have a performer who's awkward and humble but still curiously captivating (like the guy at church who looks like a twelve year old, but you'd still date him anyway). Chances are, a conversation with Rivers would probably cover everything from Comparative Lit to Cheez Wiz, and it would be the most interesting conversation you would ever have.
So, because he is so improved as a performer while still maintaining his down-to-earth personality, Rivers gets a 4.0/5.
It's inevitable that I include the next performer. He is, after all, more or less the epitome of everything I've ever wanted in a human being of the opposite gender. I could exhaust you with details, but I won't. Simply put, he's an edgy Mormon--two words you all most never find together. The Killers front-man Brandon Flowers is truly a man for the masses.
In his Brightside days his boyish, dandy good-looks caught the eye of many a female (a quite a lot of males, if we're being frank here). With the release of the Ode to Depeche Mode Sam's Town (if you don't believe me, check Violator, those of you who criticized Sam's for being too "American") Flowers gave up the razor for some scruff. He also became the only man I've ever seen who can pull off the porno/mexi-stach without looking like a pedophile (sorry Rivers, it's true). Plus, anyone who looks as if he's been outfitted by Jared Gold will alwways have those same sleek lines. Now that he's blurring the lines between existentially exploring what it means to be Human (if I hear one more criticism of that lyric!) Flowers has started shaving again (sometimes) and has sprouted feathers from his shoulders à la glam rock. Flowers evokes memories of the music world's other Mormon-paradox: Arthur Kane of the New York Dolls, only with a much better haircut. As Brandon puts it perfectly, "I don't know why more people don't wear sequins." His ability to reinvent himself and look good EVERY time is a rare find. He could dress in a burlap sack and not shower for a week and still be as slick, tempting, and alluring as ever. Yes, I said it, he could make homeless hot.
But all this eye-candy (or cocaine, or lsd in his case, I can't decide which) isn't going to do much if your only stage -trick is shuffling your feet. Fortunately for Flowers, this is not the case. Instead, he is utterly fascinating--Chris Martin from Coldplay fascinating. Hypnotic even. You keep watching him just waiting to see what he'll do next, and he never disappoints. He's not a Justin-Timberlake-Sexy-Back smooth mover. Oh no. You'll never find this guy in New York night club. Brandon's style exudes a much older and much more musical-history educated style, where his only influence isn't Michael Jackson (ahem, JT). It's down-to-earth, organic, unassuming and indifferent. It matches his gravelly, warm-velvet, passionate voice. He is, therefore, as much a captivating figure to hear as watch.
He's similarly talented. Let's not overlook the lyrical brilliance of "Mr. Brightside" and the rest of one of the best debut albums ever (I'm only slightly biased). Despite grammar debates surrounding Day and Age's first single "Human," I still maintain the lyrical superiority of their third album. Whereas many bands tank or miss the mark with their third (often experimental) album, The Killers managed to to produce an intensely beautiful record--and for an album soaked in synth-o-pop, that's hard to do. But... this is about Brandon. The point is, that even beneath all that synthesizer, his soulful lyrics and voice make you stop just short of idol-worship.
And he's entirely unavailable. He has a lovely family to whom he is incredibly devoted. He must, therefore, be observed from afar, which only adds to his allure. There's something about a man who is both intellectually and physically untouchable that makes you want to erect a shrine to him à la a young Truffaut to Balzac in Les Quatres Cent Coups: candles, photos, a little plagiarism... and from then on he's your principal creative inspiration. Score 4.4/5
This next artist has yet to drop his album as of the writing of this post, but I'm anxious, anxious, anxiously anticipating it. So far, he's been playing hole-in-the-wall venues while making some very important connections--which means Gary Go is still pure, and has everything going for him. I have very strong feelings for this man, who got me through an entire exam week during which I lived and breathed the science building. When you've spent that much adrenaline/emotion-filled time with someone, you're bound to make a connection.
I love this man for several reasons. First of all, he's the physical amalgamation of everyone on this list. He has the sleekness of Levine, the intellectual geek of Cuomo, and the edge and surprising intelligence of Flowers; and yet he's refreshingly unique. For one, he's the only person on this list who plays the keyboard, which means as a performer his dynamic is entirely different. He doesn't have the attitude or the swagger of a guitarist but rather an unpretentious, I'm-lost-in-my-own-world energy. It's comfortable and down-to-earth. Off-stage, listening to him is like having a conversation with your childhood friend: totally natural.
Since I'm struggling to coherently characterize the brilliancy of this man for you, we're going to have to me rather methodical about this from here on out.
Look: Honestly, his look is what inspired this entire post. My initial reaction to the first three seconds of his his video? "Please be the lead singer and not a hired actor. You're so good looking. Please tell me you're talented and interesting too." Confirmed. As soon as he opened his mouth to sing, I knew I was sunk. The thick indie glasses get me every time. Every. Time. The subtle faux-hawk? I approve. the cheeky smile? I'm a fan. He dresses incredibly well too. He's usually in well-tailored suit or sweater combo that accentuates how trim he is (and how could he not be with the running he does in his video?) and shows he's indie-inspired without reverting to girl-tight jeans. And trim he is indeed. Sparing his near-Steven-Tyler sized mouth, he's fairly perfect. Perfect enough that I sincerely question his sexuality. If it weren't for this bloke's personality, I'd be convinced that he swings the opposite way.
Personality: This is the one time, the ONE time when "cute" actually makes a guy attractive in a non-younger-sibling kind of way. That's because his cute factor is underlined by how laid back and at ease he always is. Yeah, there's the coquettish cocking of the brow and a little serious brooding, but in truth, he's just a fun-loving guy. Take for example, his cover of Lady GaGa's "Just Dance": In a session with Britain's "The Sun" he introduces himself as "Gary Gaga" at about 1:45 into the cover he starts singing "This is the point where someone in the song does a rap, but I'm not a rapper. No! So I'm not gonna try to rap 'cause it would be really bad; but I can sing like a rapper like this: like a rapper, but I'm really not I'm just singin' really fast. Oh yeah, not a rapper but I try my best." The thing about it, is that he doesn't miss a beat. It's total improvisation. I can't improve well enough to think and speak at the same time let alone play the keyboard and keep a beat while coming up with something to say. Furthermore, the "Introducing" video on his website absolutely increases my faculties (yes, Ashley, yes it does!). It's fascinating and different. ("They told me about how Paul McCartney was really dead and there was clues to it in the art work.") He's the type of person whose could talk about his brushing his teeth and make it sound like a legendary adventure. Moreover, there is the subtle semblance of the slick air possessed by Levine and Flowers. (I admit it, I love watching his eyebrows while he's singing.)
Singer/songwriter quality: His style is absolutely different from that of anyone else on this list, partially because of his personality, partially because he's the only Brit (which absolutely makes a difference in my opinion, I don't care how British-influenced The Killers are, they're stil from Vegas,) and partially because he's so green. His lyrics don't match the brilliance of Flowers, they are initially a little trite because of their inspirational nature. However, it is just for that reason that he gets a gold star. In a time of "Love-in-this-Club" and despondent lyrics, he's really rather refreshing. I actually do appreciate being able to bust my lungs to something that wouldn't make the adults around me (or me for that matter) blush. He sings the other half of my internal dialogue--that is, the half that isn't thought in sarcasm with raised eyebrows at how stupid the world is: you know, my nice side. The lyrics and melodies are the tracks for the commute, or standing in line for lunch at your favorite coffee shop for lunch, or enjoying that perfect Saturday afternoon with the family. They aren't party anthems, epic punk protests, or boy-band ballads. They aren't folk, or acoustic, or your typical singer/songwriter either. There's something definitely different about him but certainly undefinable.
Gary Go's album hasn't even dropped yet, and most people have never heard of him. I expect this to change however when he kicks off touring with Take That! on what promises to be a pretty legendary summer tour of Europe. He'll pick up some indispensable PR performing for over a million people. If he can catch the attention of such an iconic band, he'll be sure to catch the attention of their many fans and then some. Now if only I could get him to cross the pond...
I had to take off something for the fact that he has yet to release an full-length album and head his own tour, but for all his potential he gets a final score of 4.7/5
